Wagatha Christie: An Explainer
The (Instagram) Story that has kept me up at night.
If the Bravo Cinematic Universe and ESPN had a baby, it would be Impersonal Foul. You in? Subscribe and tell your friends.
You’re going to need to sit down with some English breakfast tea for this newsletter.
Kanye West and Coleen Rooney have something in common: Trust issues.
Real friends, how many of us?
How many of us, how many jealous? Real friends
It's not many of us, we smile at each other
But how many honest? Trust issues
The wife of former English soccer star, Wayne Rooney, is in the middle of a major libel case in the U.K. that honestly deserves to be adapted for the big screen.
Back in 2019, Rooney made headlines after she accused her now ex-friend, Rebekah Vardy (wife of soccer player Jamie Vardy), of leaking false stories about her to The Sun. Like any good Internet sleuth, Rooney alleges that she discovered Vardy was leaking the stories, because of another type of story…Instagram Stories.
With major “I found my ex’s new girlfriend’s work email address by checking his tagged photos, clicking on her profile, finding her last name, and ending up on her LinkedIn” energy, Rooney hid everyone from her Story on her private Instagram account—except Vardy.
Not only is this iconic sleuthing behavior, but it sort of worked?
Sure enough, stories began coming out in The Sun that Rooney alleges included details from these lies she shared on her Story…and said Vardy was the only one who was watching her Story. Hrrmmm….
What is this, a desperate ex who wants to check up on your Story every once in a while to “see how you’re doing”?
The story broke after Rooney posted maybe the most iconic notes app announcement since Taylor Swift asked Kanye “Trust Issues” West to Be! Excluded! From! The! Narrative!
In her statement, Rooney calls out Vardy by name. When do you see American celebrities doing this?! The closest we got as a society to lifting the curtain on celebrity was when A Man slapped Another Man on national television.
But no need to talk about that now.
Rooney is a legend. She never deleted this tweet. It’s still up on her account, marinating for all of our American eyes to see. I love this for her and for us.
I have no idea what any of these Sun stories are that she’s talking about and certainly don’t know anything about the basement flooding in her new house, but I do care about the fact that since Vardy was named in this tweet she has filed a libel lawsuit against Rooney, where a verdict will be given soon.
The details about the lawsuit are truly wild. This Reuters roundup is pretty detailed, but my favorite part is that whoever wrote it clearly doesn’t use Instagram that much, because they said that Rooney blocked everyone from viewing her “account”. Sir call that man with the glasses who posts those Instagram update videos and Fix! This! Story…about Stories!
In true Stefon fashion, this story about Stories really does have everything: Mentions of Peter Andre’s genitalia, Vardy’s phone conveniently ending up in the bottom of the ocean so they can’t recover her WhatsApp messages, and a text exchange between Vardy and her agent from 2017 about leaking a story to the press.
Not only are Rooney and Vardy iconic players (soccer reference not intended but let me have it), but the lawyers are giving off the same vibe as FBI agent, Doug Matthews, in McMillions with one-liners that are just *chef’s kiss*:
"Like any good detective story, you never find the person responsible standing over the body with the smoking gun in her hand.”
Rooney’s lawyer is Not! Taking! This! 15! Seconds! Of! Fame! For! Granted!
What is Doug up to? Can we please get a follow up? Do we care?
Probably not, but the world is on fire, children are being murdered in schools because Ted Cruz would rather go on his vacation to Mexico than do his job, and Joe Biden isn’t fulfilling any of the promises he made when we all had to go and vote for that old man.
I digress.
While we await the verdict in the biggest (and most pointless) news to come into my silly little newsletter in a while, I’ll be sipping on some tea and asking my fiancé to explain what a midfielder is for the 1000th time.
Other Pointless Sports Gossip
NBA Reddit are you okay?
When sports teams are acting more like our elected officials than our elected officials, you know we have a problem.
LEGENDS ONLY.
Who let the dogs…on national television? Give them a raise immediately.
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