Eastern Conference Playoff Gossip That No One Asked For
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Welcome to part two of my NBA Playoff preview. I’m glad you’re here!
ICYMI: Yesterday, I broke down some of my favorite Western Conference gossip and chatted with comedian and writer
about his thoughts on the Los Angeles Clippers playoff takes. Check it out here:Anyways! Let’s talk about the Eastern Conference Playoffs.
From the head coach of the Boston Celtics being The Town’s biggest super fan to how 76ers star Joel Embiid has something in common with Jamie Dornan, I wrote way too many words on way too much Eastern Conference nonsense…
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Without further ado, let’s dig into some pointless sports gossip…Enjoy!
Eastern Conference Playoff Gossip That No One Asked For
Boston Celtics vs. Miami Heat or Chicago Bulls
Celtics: Rather than focus on the athletes, we’re going to turn our attention towards head coach of the no. 1 seed Celtics, Joe Mazzulla. Hrrmm….How do I say this…Mazzulla is a weird guy.
Mazzulla first caught my attention when he said he watches The Town 4 times a week. This is something an alien or chatbot—or an alien chatbot would say if they had taken over the body of a Celtics head coach.
Mazzulla might as well name his kid and his dog Boston Mazzulla. Does he stop people in line at Starbucks in Charlestown to ask How do you like them apples? (I had to Google Boston neighborhoods. I know nothing about Boston.)
Mazzulla got some criticism for coaching decisions during last year's playoffs, but he finished with the best record in the league this year.
Pressure is high on him to win a championship, which is weird because he’s only 36.
Anyways!
I kind of hope Mazzulla does it, because I think he might go nuts and do monologues from The Town in a Boston accent during the championship bus parade.
Heat vs. Bulls Play-In Game (Happening tomorrow): I will spare you from previewing each of these teams individually. I’ll just do tomorrow’s game.
This game wins the Succession Season 1 Episode 2 Award for Biggest Sh*t Show at the F**k Factory playoff moment…so far.
Since my Western Conference preview yesterday, a bunch of crazy Play-In drama happened last night.
Heat star Jimmy Butler—better known as coffee/country music magnate Playoff Jimmy—got injured and screamed so loud you could hear it through the TV.
*Then* Chicago Bulls guard and elite defender Alex Caruso got injured BY HIS OWN TEAMMATE.
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Both will be out for this game, so it’s a real toss-up. Ultimately, it’s a pointless endeavor because the winner plays the Celtics in the 1st round.
The Celtics will run circles around either of these teams the way Lawrence Yee ran circles around Kendall Roy.
I miss Succession.
New York Knicks vs. Philadelphia 76ers
Knicks: The Knicks are really fun this season because their roster is a perfect setup for a 90s Generation X quarter-life crisis movie like Singles or Reality Bites.
Three of their top players—Jalen Brunson, Donte DiVincenzo, and Josh Hart—played together in college at Villanova, where they won two NCAA championships. Hart and Brunson even have a podcast together.
I can hear the movie trailer guy’s voice now: “In theaters this fall… In the Knick of Time…Three twenty-somethings navigate life, love, and basketball in New York City while playing for the Knicks.”
OBVIOUSLY DIRECTED BY SPIKE LEE.
76ers: Apparently, Jamie Dornan was unhappy with the shape he was in for the first Fifty Shades of Grey movie because he only had five weeks to train after Charlie Hunnam dropped out of the role.
Joel Embiid is like, “Hey, Jamie, same.” Embiid, the Sixers superstar and last year’s MVP, has been literally hands-on-his-knees-bent-over-huffing-and-puffing-tired during games since he came back from an injury towards the end of the regular season.
Embiid has had a hard time acclimating to game speed, and the playoffs are even more exhausting and physical.
The Sixers playoff success depends solely on Embiid’s performance. They could be in the conference finals just as easily as they could be a first-round exit.
Milwaukee Bucks vs. Indiana Pacers
Bucks: Oh, the Bucks….What to say about the Bucks?
Let me start with this: In my Western Conference Playoff preview, Paul Scheer mentioned his favorite piece of gossip from this season was the rumor that Giannis [Antetokounmpo] faked his recent injury so he doesn’t have to play for Doc Rivers.
However insane that sounds, it does sum up the messiness of the exhausting Bucks season. Two coaches. A midseason move for podcaster Patrick Beverley. Kind of sad quotes from Damian Lillard. Another year of annoying Thanasis jokes. And now this Giannis injury, which will cause him to miss at least part of the 1st round. I love Giannis, I love Dame, but if I’m honest, I just want them to go away until next season. It's a long season.
There are 768 more enjoyable teams in the playoffs. Sorry, Bucks. I don’t care. Leave me alone and don’t @ me.
Pacers: This is what I have to say about the Pacers: I feel really bad for their star Tyrese Haliburton.
The All-NBA contract extension s***show is one of the weirdest and dumbest things I have ever seen—not just in sports.
For those of you who don’t know (because who cares about sports paperwork let’s be real), every season, the 15 “best” NBA players are voted into three imaginary All-NBA “teams” by 100 sports journalists.
Occasionally, whether or not a player makes this list of 15 determines how much they can make on their next contract.
Haliburton was having a career-year until he got injured and is now likely to miss out on the honor, which could cost him around $40 million dollars. Oooof!
Imagine if Jennifer Lawrence gave an incredible performance in a movie that got bad reviews because the score and the pacing sucked and her salary for her next movie was going to be massively lower because film critics didn’t nominate her for some award.
That would be unhinged and this situation is a bit unhinged!
Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Orlando Magic
Cavs: The Donovan Mitchell situation on the Cavaliers is shaping up to be eerily similar to Melissa McCarthy’s return as Sookie in the 2016 Gilmore Girls revival.
Mitchell is the team’s best player and McCarthy was the show’s best actor and both had grown to be too big a fish in too small a pond.
According to rumors (and common sense), Mitchell wants to leave Cleveland for a better team and bigger market this summer.
Mitchell’s appearance in these playoffs may end up much like McCarthy’s cameo in A Year in the Life: Brief, awkward, and forgettable.
Magic: I feel the same way about star forward Paolo Banchero’s playoff potential as I do about Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s James Bond potential.
He is kind of an unknown quantity. The Magic were infamously on basically zero nationally televised games this season.
League Pass nerds know what he’s capable of—but also what his limitations are.
Just like I’ve seen Taylor-Johnson in a couple things and am intrigued, but also very unsure. Both could go instantly amazing or instantly terrible, but I'm *very* curious to find out.
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finally, i get Coach Mazz: i've seen The Town at *least* a dozen times. go, Celtics.