A (Fever) Pitch To Make Baseball Less Boring
MLB: Hire me.
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Before men on Reddit start yelling at me, hear me out. Baseball is…boring. I’m certainly not the first person to say this and I won’t be the last.
I’m sorry!!!
Last year, the MLB voted to basically make baseball more interesting. From implementing a pitch clock to increasing the size of the bases to reduce collisions, the MLB essentially did some work on themselves and are now telling everyone about it at brunch whether you want to hear about it or not.
Don’t get me wrong: Sitting at Dodger Stadium for three hours while eating a Dodger Dog and proceeding to spot seven celebrities and two TikTok stars sitting behind home plate is my version of America’s favorite pastime.
But three hours? That’s a long time to watch a normal sporting event. There’s very little I’d want to watch for three hours straight.
Scorsese is already trying to make me watch Killers of the Flower Moon, which has a run-time of three hours and 26 minutes. I’d rather stare at that teaser image he won’t stop showing me for that same amount of time.
All of this to say, no one has time for this activity. Don’t! @! Me!
Absolutely no one asked for this, but I have my own suggestions of how we can make baseball more interesting that don’t involve banning something called a “defensive shift.”
Idk what that is and I don’t care to know.
“Rate My Raya Profile”
In my single days, I saw more than one MLB player on Raya. Did I know who they were? Absolutely not. Would a date with one of them possibly land me free tickets to a World Series game one day? Possibly. Did I ever match with one? No.
While I love the “Which hat is the ball under?” game as much as anyone, wouldn’t you rather have a producer AUX cord screen-share a player’s Raya profile on the Jumbotron?
I would give anything to have the entire crowd here yet another Drake song play over the slideshow of some MLB player’s photos that include (but not limited to):
A photo of them warming up in their uniform.
A photo of them in a suit at some charity function.
A photo of them holding a fish with those alt-right sunglasses.
Let! Us! Rate! The! Profile!
If I have to risk getting sunburnt at a Sunday afternoon game, let me at least judge a Raya profile.
Pitch Perfect
There’s nothing quite as humbling as watching a random celebrity attempt to throw out the first pitch. It really makes you remind yourself that, no, you cannot throw a baseball as good as the professionals.
At least it’s something that me and Carly Rae Jepsen have in common.
To make things more interesting, let’s have whoever is throwing out the first pitch stay in for an entire inning.
Related, I would pay so much money to watch Tom from Vanderpump Rules attempt to catch a fly ball and throw it to third base.
Walk-Up Skincare Routine
No one wants to hear “Congratulations” by Post Malone play for the 179739th time when an MLB players walks up to hit.
Instead, why not share a little voiceover of their skincare routine?
The people (me, myself, and I) want to know which sunscreen Clayton Kershaw is using. Is he using Supergoop! or innisfree? Does he have an affiliate link he can share with the stadium?
We! Must! Know!
Personal Life Stats
I do not understand what an RBI is nor do I care to know. I’m sorry!!! What I do care about is the Personal Life section of athletes—including baseball players.
Are they married? Are they single? Do they have a partner? Does the partner have a public Instagram account? Can we pull it up right now? How much did their house cost? Does it have a weird number of bathrooms? What endorsement deals do they have? Have they ever been spotted on DeuxMoi? If so, where?
I could keep going, but I won’t for the sake of everyone’s sanity.
Halftime Show
Even with the implementation of these new rules, we know that these baseball games are still going to be too damn long.
Why not have a halftime performance?
I have a few suggestions of good halftime shows that I think would entertain the crowd:
A monologue from the POV of a gift basket with autographed memorabilia that was given to one of the girls that Derek Jeter allegedly hooked up with after they hooked up. (For the record, Jeter denies this, but I will never stop talking about it).
Fit check at home plate with the wives/girlfriends/partners of the players at the game.
A five-minute explainer of literally what is going on.
A Notes App Apology displayed on the Jumbotron on behalf of both teams saying how sorry they are that this game is taking too long.
Rate The Zillow Listing: Bring back that producer to screen-share a few Zillow listings of homes that players recently purchased and have the crowd rate them.
Play clips from Fever Pitch. That’s it. That’s the suggestion.
I hope this doesn’t get me banned from any future World Series games, but I really hope the MLB takes these pointless suggestions into consideration.
Sound off in the comments with your chaotic ideas!
Other Pointless Sports Gossip
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle attended game 4 between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Memphis Grizzlies in LA on Monday night. The Lakers won, so I’m calling this their good luck charm.
Shailene Woodley’s ex-fiancée (thank god) is officially playing for the New York Jets. No idea what this actually means for football other than we better not see some weird show to replace Tucker Carlson's time slot hosted by Aaron Rodgers this fall.
Speaking of football, the Houston Texans posted this insane graphic to their Twitter account earlier this week. It’s giving “Live, Laugh, Love” At A TJ Maxx energy.
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Put pics of them in their pre-game fits on the Jumbotron for judging!
I'm so upset these aren't in the real world (YET!)…let me rate their houses!! show me the most unhinged fun fact about them!!!