Why Do All Athlete Weddings Look The Same?
An investigation...
If Bravo and ESPN had a baby, it would be Impersonal Foul. This newsletter is free, but consider becoming a paying subscriber for $6/month to support the work that I’m doing.
For partnership inquiries or to just say hello, email madeline@impersonalfoul.com
Something has been on my mind and I need to get it off my chest.
For a while, I couldn’t pinpoint what bothered me so much about athlete weddings and proposals. It wasn’t the setting (all very pretty). It wasn’t the celebrity planner’s touch (Mindy Weiss usually). And it wasn’t the famous faces on the dance floor (In photos shared exclusively with PEOPLE/Brides/Vogue).
As I scrolled through dozens of Instagram carousels, dotcom galleries, and even editorial features, it dawned on me: Why do these athletes all have the same floral aesthetic?
They’re almost always white flowers with green foliage aggressively shoved between the stems. You may think, “Madeline: It’s a wedding. Of course they chose to have white flowers.”
You’re right, it is a wedding! Do I still wish these couples took a little less advice from their five-figure retainer wedding planner and stopped scrolling on Pinterest for their floral color palette inspiration? Of course I do.
What makes me want to go insane is how these ceremonial florals are arranged. Almost always, the flowers are packed so tightly into an arch or an interpretation of an arch that I feel claustrophobic looking at them.
Give these flowers some breathing room!
Why do we need an arch? What about just some flowers on the side?? Placed more organically??? Please????? I’m begging you.
I've spoken about this subject briefly on a recent episode of
when Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen proposed to that actress from True Grit (remember that movie?), Hailee Steinfeld.He worked with Weiss (the celebrity planner I mentioned at the top) to get down on one knee…in front of a square-ish floral situation.
Why does this arch shape remind me of an Instagrammable entrance to one of those “museums” of Ice Cream/Slime/etc? They’re the same, I’m sorry.
Don’t ask me to explain myself!
All I am asking is that these athletes think outside of the box for a change.
If you’re gonna do an archway during your ceremony……okay fine. It’s not what *I* would’ve wanted, but FINE.
At least use a different floral color palette, like Los Angeles Lakers star Anthony Davis or tennis GOAT Serena Williams!
And you know what? When model Chanel Iman married New England Patriots’ Davon Godchaux, they did get creative and put their floral arch (sigh) on a damn boat!
At least it wasn’t in a hotel ballroom!
Or like Golden State Warriors star Draymond Green, who had their wedding planner build a ceremony backdrop with white and green flowers (again, smh) that looks like it was taken from the Wicked props department for a scene in the Emerald City that was cut for time.
Just don’t ask me about those compressed flowers….
As you may have sensed, there isn’t a sport-specific problem here. This is an athlete floral arrangement epidemic!
Well, that and the fact that we need to have a really deep conversation as a society about why all of these athlete grooms are wearing suits that look like they came from Suit Supply (When we know that’s not where they’re from) and are way too tight on them and they always have on those loafers with their ankles exposed.
It’s! Your! Wedding! Day!
I digress…
In this rant alone, I’ve included images from the following: An MLB player, another MLB player, a USWNT captain, another MLB player, an Olympian, an NBA player, an NFL player, the GOAT of gymnastics, Travis Kelce’s coworker, and a soccer player.
I think these athletes should all have a Zoom meeting with Mel Robbins to discuss how they’re going to move forward here.
Can’t anyone hire the Glossier-favorite Brrch Floral??? Give me *that* athlete wedding with a large floral budget and a Vogue exclusive.
There were so many more weddings that didn’t make the cut, and I really could’ve kept going, but no one wants to read a newsletter that long.
If you’re a wedding planner and you work with athletes, please help them see the light and introduce new directions for these floral arrangements and color palettes.
It’s a new year. There’s still a little time before the spring/summer wedding season kicks in.
Do us *all* a favor and give these florals (and our brains) some breathing room…
Other Pointless Sports Gossip
Miami Heat star Jimmy Butler was suspended for seven games in a petty move by his employer after he said in a press conference that he lost his joy playing in Miami and wants a trade. So! Much! Drama! (via ESPN)
Can someone please tell me who designed this job posting graphic for the University of Colorado baseball team? (via X)
Draya Michele attended an NBA game with her 22-year-old son to watch her 22-year-old boyfriend play professional basketball. More on this topic on this week’s episode of Sports Gossip Show… (via The Shade Room)
Everyone’s favorite hot Notre Dame head coach is going to the semifinals of the College Football Playoff. (via Sports Illustrated)
If Bravo and ESPN had a baby, it would be Impersonal Foul. This newsletter is free, but consider becoming a paying subscriber for $6/month to support the work that I’m doing.
For partnership inquiries or to just say hello, email madeline@impersonalfoul.com
From a florists perspective, I think it’s also a show of wealth. Big, beautiful blossoms are WAYYY expensive, so when people want to go cheaper, they do a more organic arch with wispy greenery and scattered blooms. When people want to show that they have money, especially on something that lasts for ONE DAY, they just ask for the most expensive install. Packed full of identical white garden roses.
Ok but is it only the straight athlete weddings that look like this? Or do the gay ones too? Now I kind of want to investigate that lol