These NBA Finals Need Adele
PLEASE.
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With the Boston Celtics win over the Dallas Mavericks in game 2, it’s looking more and more like the Celtics will win the NBA Finals.
Do I want the Celtics to win? Not really. I am a Los Angeles Lakers fan, after all…
But do I care about the Mavericks? Not! Really!
What I *do* care about is whether or not Adele will make an appearance at any of the remaining games, because this series is so…meh.
I don’t need to see Mark Wahlberg’s face at another game. I want ADELE.
While it is hard for me to imagine Adele willingly getting on a plane to fly to Dallas or Boston with her husband (still only sort of confirmed???) and superstar agent Rich Paul I am still holding out hope.
I checked her schedule, and she has two shows in Vegas on the 14th and 15th.
If the series goes to game 5—which it may not at this point, but let’s not think about that for now—she could make it!
Anyways!
I’ve got some *very* exciting Finals content for you…
Ahead of game 3 tonight, I’ve partnered with Kendall-Jackson, the official wine partner of the NBA, on some very silly Finals nonsense…
My love of sports and wine is actually quite similar. I don’t really know what makes a wine “natural” in the same way I don’t know what makes Luka Dončić a very good player on the court. However, I *can* tell you that I like a chilled red on a summer night and know who Dončić’s fiancé is.
Stay! In! Your! Lane!
I thought it would be fun to pair some of the Kendall-Jackson wines with key players on the Celtics and the Mavericks. Please don’t come for me if I get my basketball facts wrong, because that’s not what we’re here to discuss anyway!
NBA Finals Players As Wine Pairings
I had a blast partnering with Kendall-Jackson on this. Be sure to check out their full range of wines here.
Sauvignon Blanc: Jayson Tatum
Sauvignon Blanc goes with everything, during every season, anywhere in the world. This is Jayson Tatum. He can score from anywhere and he can guard anyone.
You could drop him into any NBA team in any decade, and he would fit seamlessly. You could put any type of player around him, and he would make them better.
If you give someone wine for the first time, give them a glass of Sauv Blanc.
If you teach someone an all-around basketball skill set, show them Jayson Tatum tape.
Need I say more?
Pinot Noir: Kyrie Irving
When I sat down at my desk (couch let’s be real please) to write this newsletter, I must admit I was a little nervous.
My knowledge of wine begins and ends with I know I like drinking it.
To my delight, this player pairing was so obvious as to be written for me.
Pinot Noir is known as “the heartbreak grape” because it is complex, unpredictable, and difficult to deal with.
This complexity is what makes it brilliant. If that’s not Kyrie Irving, I don’t know what is.
Headed back to Dallas down 2-0, Irving could have a couple crazy games to even the series and help set up a potential heartbreak end for the Celtics run.
Rosé: Kristaps Porziņģis
The Celtics center and this rosé have more in common than just chic accent marks in their names that I am very jealous of (Imagine Sports Gossip Enthusiast Mádeline Híll).
They are also both known for their notes of delicacy.
In a delicious rosé that costs only $35 or $28 for KJ wine club members (don’t @ me for this shameless plug. Kendall-Jackson paid for plugs and PLUGS THEY WILL GET even if they didn’t ask for this one in particular!), delicacy is a wonderful quality.
However, in a $30 million a year professional basketball player delicacy is not so great. Kristaps Porziņģis gets injured A LOT (and may not even play tonight).
Going into game 3, there are some question marks around his injuries. They may need to wheel him out wrapped in bubble wrap in the pope-mobile.
However, if Porziņģis can stay on the court the next couple games he can be just what the Celtics need for these June nights.
Kind of like how rosé is perfect for those summer nights where you’re scrolling for another cottage core dress that you definitely don’t need…Shhhh…
See! What! I! Did! There!
Cabernet Sauvignon: Al Horford/Jrue Holiday/Derrick White
We are doing something special for the Cab pairing. We are splurging on a three player prix-fixe meal at the Michelin-rated Le TD Jardin restaurant, helmed by Head Chef, Joe Mazzulla.
I realize that line is funny for the one percent of my readers who actually follow sports and gibberish for the 99 percent that come here for BLANK PLAYER IS HAVING A BABY WITH BLANK IG MODEL content.
Let me explain!
The Celtics play at the TD Garden and Joe Mazzulla is their coach who says a lot of weird things.
Anyways! Back to the clumsy three-course Celtics x Cab pairing analogy…I am talking about Derrick White, Al Horford, and Jrue Holiday.
I know when I am going to a dinner party and don’t know what wine to bring, I bring a Cab. Most people like it and someone there will enjoy it.
If they don’t, I’ll open it myself! If you’re a wine drinker, who doesn’t enjoy a lovable wine?!
White, Horford, and Holiday are the three most lovable players in the Finals. Everyone! Loves! Them!
Did I say lovable enough???
Except for Mavericks fans, obviously. They are probably not loving them so much right now.
Low Calorie Chardonnay: PJ Washington
The name of this wine is perfect for a clunky wine x NBA player #spon con analogy. Here’s why: An “empty calorie scorer” is literally an actual term—really an insult—used in basketball to describe players who score a lot of points but don’t impact winning.
TLDR: Your team is down by 30 points with two minutes to go. The game is a wrap, so you start jacking up 3s and make a few. Makes you feel good, but ultimately pointless.
I guess this newsletter could be coining a new term RIGHT NOW: A “low calorie scorer.”
A “low calorie scorer” would be a player who does not shoot a lot, but scores efficiently, in the right moments, and impacts winning.
This is what the Mavs need PJ Washington to be. If he can hit some timely corner 3s in games 3 and 4, they could be right back in this series.
If you know anyone sitting courtside for game 3, tell them to yell “MORE POINTS, LESS CALORIES!” at PJ. He will *definitely* know exactly what they mean.
Chardonnay: Luka Dončić
Sometimes, the best is just obvious.
Chardonnay is my personal favorite and Luka Dončić is my favorite player in this series.
Kendall-Jackson’s Chardonnay is the literal GOAT: The top selling Chardonnay in America for 30 years, which is longer than Dončić has been alive.
Chardonnay is what I will be sipping on during game 3 hoping Dončić goes for 50 and makes this a real series.
If Bravo and ESPN had a baby, it would be Impersonal Foul. Consider becoming a paying subscriber for just $8/month. Your support means the world!
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Just wanted to say, as a huge sports fan / certified sommelier who owns a wine import company AND is married to a reality TV producer, your newsletter, and this one in particular, has been quite the enjoyable read in our household.
"Low calorie scorer" is legit so good!