The Short Kings Of Formula 1
Apparently I care about racing now.
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In the words of my mother, “Height doesn’t matter when you’re horizontal.”
It also doesn’t matter if you’re a Formula 1 driver.
I haven’t taken an Uber in over a year, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t gone on a wild ride or two.
The Netflix documentary series, Formula 1: Drive to Survive, is the most dramatic reality television that I’ve watched since The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City (and Jen Shah’s arrest) aired.
Formula 1 is basically blue chip NASCAR for short men. It’s chic, extremely expensive, and great for men who get turned down on Raya/Tinder/Bumble for innocently listing their real height as 5’10”.
We all know that you’re really 5’9”.
Formula 1 throws around money like it’s Dodger Stadium throwing away unused COVID vaccines. In 2019 alone, Williams (bad at driving) spent $132 million and Mercedes-Benz (good at driving + Lewis Hamilton) spent $442 million.
Not only are the teams rich, but the drivers themselves have to *come from money* to even get into the sport. This isn’t your average “My parents gave me the down payment for my $1 million “starter home” in Los Angeles” kind of money. This is like “I grew up in Monte Carlo” sort of money.
Who grows up in Monte Carlo? Well, this racer did. More on him in a minute.
What makes Formula 1 ten times more interesting than any other sport is the fact that these players actively trash talk their opponents (and even teammates) during post-race interviews all of the time! So much mess!
Beyoncé walked, so this guy below could run.
While these drivers have extreme Short Guy Energy, they do something that I’ve never really seen in sports from male athletes: Apologize. Like, all of the time. Every time they have engine failure, take a turn too tight, literally just get fourth place, these men apologize.
I have never seen anything like it. Imagine LeBron James apologizing for missing a free throw in a post-game interview. Can’t imagine it? Exactly. Because it doesn’t happen.
Yet, here are these extremely rich men apologizing All. The. Time. Maybe it’s guilt over the generational wealth being passed down in their families. Maybe it’s their emotions taking over in those damn claustrophobic cars. Whatever the reason, we need more apologetic male athletes doing the most and the least at the same time.
Before digging into some of my favorite drivers, I want to address the elephant in the room: I won’t be talking about Lewis Hamilton (5′ 9″), because he is the only racer we all know.
We’ve seen Hamilton in those photos with models at the Monaco Grand Prix. Hamilton is great, will continue to be great, but we don’t need to talk about him. However, if someone has matched with him on Raya, please DM me.
Okay, let’s talk about some other Short Kings.
My Favorite Short Kings
In the words of Jaboukie Young-White, “…short kings are the enemy of body negativity.” These men embrace their height. So much so that they are paid for being short. Essentially.
I love these men.
Daniel Ricciardo
Height: 5′ 11″
Personality Type: Guy Who Messages “Hi xx :)” To Everyone He Matches With On Raya
Daniel Ricciardo is an Italian-Australian driver who is racing for McLauren. Ricciardo has the most Australian Who Loves Hanging Out At Gjusta In Venice-energy of anyone on this show. In one episode, he even mentions that he comes to LA to relax.
According to Wikipedia, Ricciardo is often referred to as ‘The Honey Badger’. Okay???
I feel like Ricciardo would make it to the final four on The Bachelor, only to be eliminated after hometowns and join the cast of Bachelor In Paradise. I mean, look at this casual laugh while he sips a cab sav? We love to see it.
If racing doesn’t work out for Ricciardo, I guess he can join the NBA?
Sebastian Vettel
Height: 5′ 9″
Personality Type: The Cute Substitute Teacher Who Wants To Be Called By Their First Name
Sebastian Vettel is old—for Formula 1. At the ripe old age of 33, he is much older than some of the sport’s stars. Vettel, a German driver for Aston Martin, is very good. He even won four consecutive world championship titles from 2010-2013. Get! It!
Vettel married his childhood friend Hanna Prater in 2019. Cute! Apparently Vettel is a big fan of the Beatles like every other White Man. One intriguing detail I discovered is that this man is worth $100 million, but he’s not verified on Instagram.
So messy and chaotic I love it.
Carlos Sainz Jr.
Height: 5′ 10″
Personality Type: Guy In High School Who Owned A Lake House, A Boat, And Four Patagonia Jackets
Everything about Spaniard, Carlos Sainz Jr., screams “I! Have! Money!” and I love it. Sainz comes from a Formula 1 *legacy*. His father, Carlos Sainz, was a double World Rally Champion. Talk about daddy issues, am I right?!
Sainz currently races for Ferrari and in a puzzling turn, this man doesn’t have a Personal Life section on his Wikipedia. You can see for yourself. I’m calling his publicist to file a complaint.
But, he must have a good enough publicist to remind him to post on International Women’s Day. Em! Power! Ment!
Allegedly, he’s been dating this girl with Rich Girl Hair for a long time. Feels right. Okay sir!
Charles Leclerc
Height: 5′ 11″
Personality Type: Literally Grew Up In Monaco
Charles Leclerc is the type of rich I aspire to be: Growing up in Monaco. Grace Kelly is shaking!!! Leclerc is another rich kid racing for Ferrari. So, good for Ferrari? Unlike his teammate, Leclerc does have a Personal Life section.
According to Wikipedia, he’s been in a relationship with Charlotte Sine, “…the daughter of a Monaco entrepreneur”, since 2019. Sine describes herself as a designer on Instagram, but…this girl just comes from money, y’all.
In an iconic piece of Personal Life information, Leclerc broke up with his ex-girlfriend to focus on racing. But, that’s not what’s interesting. What’s incredible is that his ex, Giada Gianni, announced the break-up during an Instagram Live by saying, “Charles left me. He wants to devote himself only to Ferrari.”
Oof.
Esteban Ocon
Height: 6′ 1″ (I know!!!)
Personality Type: Nice Guy Who Actually Texts Girls Back
I love this man. Esteban Ocon is a bit of an underdog in Formula 1. The French native appears to come from a normal amount of money? His dad is a mechanic and they seem lovely and sweet and earnest.
Ocon was screwed over by multiple teams, including being booted from Force India (Google their legal troubles), because a Canadian billionaire purchased the assets of the team…and gave his own son Ocon’s seat.
Nepotism doesn’t just exist in Hollywood people! Don’t worry: After some other team changes, he’s now racing with Alpine and doing well post break-up.
Ocon has allegedly been in a relationship with Instagram model/influencer/everything in between, Elena Berri, since 2018. Ocon came out on top of the Force India drama and found a girlfriend who also loves to pose with fast cars.
There are so many other key players that I could get into. From the hot coach for Mercedes-Benz to this underdog, I could write 10,000 words on this dumb sport. For now, I’ll be stalking tickets to the Austin Grand Prix, which Matthew McConaughey has attended.
Alright, alright, alright.
Other Pointless Gossip
Michael Rapaport and Kevin Durant are doing the most. Durant has been fined. Rapaport is doing…well…this.
Some guy thought Milwaukee Bucks star Giannis Antetokounmpo was rich because of Bitcoin. This! Newsletter! Is! Free!
Evan is ready for (S)hot Girl/Vaccine Summer!
Other Sports Stuff
Who is the Music Director for the A’s and can I buy him/her a drink?
I just—
If the Bravo Cinematic Universe and ESPN had a baby, it would be Impersonal Foul. You in? Subscribe and tell your friends.