The "Olympics" Are "Happening"

Someone please force quit the Olympics.

If the Bravo Cinematic Universe and ESPN had a baby, it would be Impersonal Foul. You in? Subscribe and tell your friends.

I—

Sha'Carri Richardson. Coco Gauff. Roger Federer. Serena Williams. Rafael Nadal. Bradley Beal. To put it lightly, the Olympics are a MeSs.

And we’re just getting started.

Last Saturday, the first case of COVID was reported in the Olympic village. On Monday, an alternate for the US Gymnastics team tested positive. As of writing this, there have been 90 COVID cases in people linked to the Games, the director of the opening ceremony was fired after it came to light that he made anti-Semitic comments about the holocaust, and the composer for the ceremony was also fired after it was reported that he bullied classmates with disabilities while in school.

I’m sorry I made you endure that sentence.

Japan, the country hosting the Olympics, are literally like, “We don’t want you to come. Please don’t come. No like really, please don’t come.”

WIRED Magazine is saying the Olympics could be a COVID “Super Evolutionary” event. Lord help us.

And yet, here we are. The day of the opening ceremony for the “2020” “Olympic” “Games.”

I’m trying to think of the positive??? I’m really trying, okay. According to DeuxMoi, Adele is maybe or maybe not performing. GOAT, Simone Biles, will do what she does best. We will all be able to stare at the backs of Australian swimmers.

While on the “positive” train, let’s focus on some pointless information about some of the athletes that will be at the Olympics. Enjoy this nonsense and...Go TeAm UsA?

Gabby Thomas

Track & Field star, Gabby Thomas, is working towards her master’s degree at Harvard in epidemiology—while also being the 2nd fastest woman to run the 200. Oh, and she also loves dolphin puns.

gabbythomas

A post shared by @gabbythomas

Sunisa Lee

Gymnast, influencer, and possible gold medalist, Sunisa Lee, has a bar routine that is absolutely insane.

sunisalee_

A post shared by @sunisalee_

JaVale McGee

Vlogger, Seltzer King, and Denver Nuggets Center, JaVale McGee, got a last-minute invite to the Olympics after Bradley Beal and Kevin Love announced they wouldn’t be going to Tokyo.

javalemcgee

A post shared by @javalemcgee

A last minute invite to the Olympics still has the same energy as being invited at the 11th hour to a birthday dinner, because they had an extra seat.

This is the most chaotic cover art. Where do you even look?!

Alica Schmidt

German hurdler Alica Schmidt looks like a TikTok star/model had a baby with one of the world’s greatest athletes. She was named “the world’s sexiest athlete” by some patriarchal website and this is how she responded:

"I do not know why I got this title. Sport clearly comes first."

Sport! Comes! First!

alicasmd

A post shared by @alicasmd

Devin Booker

Phoenix Suns Guard Devin “Still Recovering” Booker had to travel to Tokyo with Milwaukee Bucks stars Jrue Holiday and Khris Middleton after losing in Game 6 of the NBA Finals.

philip lewis @Phil_Lewis_

Now Devin Booker has to fly 19 hours or whatever to Tokyo with Jrue Holiday and Khris Middleton

Booker hasn’t posted since the loss, but I hope he’s embracing this vibe in the Olympic village.

dbook

A post shared by @dbook

The Olympics Are A Mess: Twitter Edition

In lieu of "Zillow Listing of The Week”, I thought I’d share a few chaotic Olympics-related news items with you. If you want even more Olympics messiness, follow my pointless TikTok here.

This is absurd.

Becca Meyers @becca_meyers

Heartbroken to share that I’m withdrawing from the Tokyo Paralympic Games. The USOPC has repeatedly denied my reasonable and essential accommodation because of my disability, leaving me no choice. Full statement below:

It! Is! A! Nightmare!

People @people

Beach Volleyball Player Gets Emotional After Testing Positive for COVID in Tokyo: 'This Is a Nightmare' https://t.co/NglQ6j8one

LeT’s SuPpOrT wOrKiNg MoThErS.

The New York Times @nytimes

The Spanish artistic swimmer Ona Carbonell is expressing her “disappointment and disillusionment” that it is not practical to bring her son to Japan for the Tokyo Olympics while she is breastfeeding him.

nyti.msThe Spanish swimmer Ona Carbonell says she is disappointed to leave her breastfeeding son at home.Carbonell, competing in her third Games, said in an Instagram video that she had been made to choose between her family and her Olympic goal.

Where do I even begin with this one?

CNN Breaking News @cnnbrk

The director of the Tokyo Olympics opening ceremony has been dismissed after local media reported on anti-Semitic comments he made about the Holocaust

cnn.itTokyo 2020 Opening Ceremony: What we know, who’s going and who’s notA split of Bird and Alvarez.

Olympics Tweets Of The Week

KD will have a few tweets about this I’m sure.

Complex Sports @ComplexSports

They got all of Team USA singing happy birthday to KD. It’s not his birthday 🤣🤣

Simone Biles is literally carrying the entire United States on her back.

CBC Olympics @CBCOlympics

#SimoneBiles has been practicing the Yurchenko double pike 👀 If she lands it during Olympic competition, the vault will be named after Biles and become her fifth eponymous skill

This will always be funny, even though the theory about the “anti-sex” beds has been debunked.

NowThis @nowthisnews

Athletes staying at Tokyo’s Olympic Village have been posting images of their ‘cardboard’ beds online. Some speculated that the beds are meant to deter athletes from having sex amid COVID-19, but Irish gymnast Rhys McClenaghan posted a video jumping on his bed to prove otherwise.

Bonus! My old coworker, JP Stiles, co-directed a documentary series about the incredible American gymnasts as they prepared for the Olympics. Distract yourself with something other than the chaos here.

jpstilesjp

A post shared by @jpstilesjp

If the Bravo Cinematic Universe and ESPN had a baby, it would be Impersonal Foul. You in? Subscribe and tell your friends.