The Devil Wears Prada And Plays Basketball
Plus: An interview with someone who sat behind Sting and 50 Cent.
If the Bravo Cinematic Universe and ESPN had a baby, it would be Impersonal Foul. You in? Subscribe and tell your friends.
The Devil Went To The Garden
Andrea “It’s Andy” Sachs and Hawks guard Trae Young have more in common than you might think. As the saying goes, “If you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere.”
I’ve been sitting on this newsletter about Mr. Young for a while, waiting for the perfect moment to hit send. Then the NBA playoffs happened. And the Knicks happened. And now this pointless newsletter—where I make an outlandish and very loose connection between an NBA star and a character in The Devil Wears Prada—is happening.
Who Is This Man
Young is the type of professional that I aspire to be: Shows up to work in a hoodie and sunglasses and gets away with it.
He loves playing Fornite. Has a #spon con deal with a frozen foods company. And he’s taken a photo with literally every famous basketball player…before he became a famous basketball player. Oh, and he’s the face of that meme.
During the playoffs he’s positioned himself as the main character in a Real Housewives spinoff. One where he says nonsense one-liners in his talking head interviews and posts passive aggressive Instagram posts about said interviews after the fact.
Young is the perfect star of the 2021 NBA playoffs. It’s the first year that he’s ever been in the playoffs. After the past year that we will not discuss, we needed him. And he needed us. Little did we know that his performance during Game 1 against the Knicks would give him a Most Dramatic Moment In Bachelor History-level moment that no one asked for and that we all tweeted about.
Game 1
Before the series opener against the Knicks even tipped off, Knicks fans were already booing Young. You know that moment in the Devil Wears Prada where Andy comes in to interview and Miranda has already thrown her resume in the trash with her eyes?
That’s what the Knicks did to Young.
With the boos came the hoops. I’m sorry. That was the best rhyme I could come up with.
And then the fourth quarter happened. Young scored 13 of his game-high 32 points. He hit that game-winning shot with .9 seconds left in the fourth quarter.
Young’s Game 1 Garden appearance was his “I’m flipping the table at dinner in the Bahamas” sort of moment. In his words:
“As I hit the floater it just felt like everyone got quiet. I was waiting for them ‘[bleep]-you’ chants again.”
He even shushed the Garden and No. 1 Knicks fan (and reaction face king) Spike Lee!!!
But Young didn’t stop there. No, no. He decided to give a post-game interview that even Andy Cohen couldn’t script.
It was his “This is just an extra copy to have on file—just in case” moment if you know what I mean. Let me refresh your memory:
Game 2
After a devastating loss for Knicks fans, they got creative and developed a cheer about how Young is allegedly balding. Or so they claimed while they chanted at least. Do your own Googling I am not your search engine.
Yes, they really did chant this.
I guess it seemed to work? The Hawks lost. Lol. I have very mixed feelings about even covering this story for this pointless newsletter. I’m from Atlanta. I remember when we had a hockey team. I remember that 2012 SEC championship. And please don’t make me remember that Super Bowl.
But we all know who the real winner is. No, it’s not the Knicks. It’s not Young’s hair follicles. It’s Young’s performance—both as a really good basketball player and as the most petty man in New York City.
Young and Ms. Andrea Sachs both know how to put on a good performance. One is on the basketball court and the other is in that diner scene where Andy says that she’s going to visit Adrian Grenier in Boston for his new job.
*Reader, she will not visit him in Boston.
Instead, she’ll have an interview with a Relatable White Guy Editor and land a job at a magazine that is not The New Yorker.
She! Better! Unionize!
For Young, he’s going to soak up more of the pettiness from Knicks fans during Game 3 tonight. He has a chance to break the Atlanta sports curse and win his first NBA title. Maybe he’ll even get another #spon con deal with hims out of it.
And Young knows that his performance is getting under the Knicks’ skin:
“I must be doing something right.”
Andy couldn’t agree more.
A Pointless And Exclusive Interview With My Friend Who Sat Behind Sting and 50 Cent
Yes, that is correct. My friend sat behind the strangest court-side pairing since Ethan Hawke made his son switch seats with him so he could “flirt” with Rihanna.
To get the inside scoop on this nonsense, I asked my friend, Brett Bietz, if he would kindly answer some pointless questions about what it was like to sit behind these two.
Yes, that’s him in the Howard Ratner shirt.
What was your first reaction when Sting sat down next to 50 Cent?
50 actually showed up a bit late. Sting and Julianne Moore had already been featured on "Celebrity Row" on the big screen by the time 50 rolled in. My first thought was "This dude is enormous." Sting and Julianne Moore definitely had no idea who he was until they put him on Celebrity Row, but in fairness—masks. After that, there was some acknowledgment from both and I thought, "Here comes some awkward conversation!"
Julianne Moore was also there. Did she order anything?
I'm not sure Julianne Moore said any words. She was there with her husband and might have done some nodding? She didn't order anything on the court, because they weren't allowing food or drinks there because of COVID. I assume she took advantage of the Tao-sponsored sushi in the JP Morgan Chase Lounge.
Did 50 Cent’s girlfriend speak?
She did not say a single word. She didn't remove her sunglasses or mask the entire time. I honestly can't even confirm she has a mouth. This night definitely didn't pass the Bechdel test. I was able to take a pic of her phone which she was glued to and from what I could make out, she was deep in some friend drama.
Did 50 Cent or Sting talk trash about Trae Young?
Not a whole lot of talking at all. But Trae was definitely aware of their presence. When he wasn't gesturing or talking up Spike, he was looking at 50. Spike made his way over for some high-fives though with 50 and Sting. Sting and 50 shared a nice embrace at the end.
What would your opening line have been to 50 Cent?
I was only concerned about where he stood with Randall Emmett. Each time I went to engage with him, I was interrupted by a rich teenager—one wanted a pic, the other wanted him to invest in his "record label".
Anything else pointless that I should know?
Spike [Lee], Liev Schreiber, Keenan Thompson, and Justin Tuck were also there. I sat next to the “spit” guys and they were huge douches...immediately complained about masks, dapped up 50 on his way in...Knicks fans straight out of central casting. Chris Meloni was also there and the guy next to me said he was an asshole because he played against him at pickup game for parents at their kids school and he played too hard.
Sting’s guest took a pic of him and 50 and texted it to all his friends, I high-fived Sting by saying “Come on Sting” after a nice Knicks run. Sting’s butt crack was big-time exposed for nearly the whole game.
If the Bravo Cinematic Universe and ESPN had a baby, it would be Impersonal Foul. You in? Subscribe and tell your friends.