RIP Super League 2021-2021
Soccer is a Messi—let's discuss.
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Once again, the newsletter was written, copy-edited, scheduled, and yet…here I am addressing a Messi made by men. During the last 1,000 years, has there ever been a time where they weren’t making a mess?
*sighs*
On Sunday, 12 European and English soccer teams announced that they were forming “The Super League”. I’m already embarrassed for them.
I have to admit: My soccer knowledge doesn’t go beyond watching Bend It Like Beckham for the 1,783rd time on every flight if it’s available. I played on youth soccer teams, but I always cared more about how my hair looked then who I should pass the ball to. I did attend a Manchester United game by myself, which was A Whole Thing.
Composed of the “best” teams—think Arsenal, Real Madrid, Manchester United—the Super League would basically be like if the NBA All-Star game and the NFL Pro Bowl had a baby. And that baby only played other babies like them—for the entire season.
If this bad analogy isn’t helping, think of this Super League as a league made up of players that your mom will recognize: Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi, and some other guys.
Essentially, this Super League would’ve isolated mid-tier teams from really having a chance at winning basically anything. It’s like if March Madness didn’t have an upset from Oral Roberts and the entire tournament was just Duke and UNC yelling at each other.
As you might imagine, people were upset. The UEFA released a joint statement, which said this among many other gems:
“If this were to happen, we wish to reiterate that we – UEFA, the English FA, RFEF, FIGC, the Premier League, LaLiga, Lega Serie A, but also FIFA and all our member associations – will remain united in our efforts to stop this cynical project, a project that is founded on the self-interest of a few clubs at a time when society needs solidarity more than ever.”
Prince William even tweeted about it. I just—
And yet, this is America’s fault. I hate us.
Four of the 12 Super League teams are American-owned: Liverpool, Arsenal, AC Milan, and Manchester United.
While you might be like, “Okay, some rich Americans own a few teams. Who cares?” Well, according to the Wall Street Journal, the Manchester United owners (American) have been trying to convince other teams to join the Super League “for years”.
Tim Payton, a board member of the Arsenal Supporters’ Trust, perfectly summed up America’s nonsense in this whole situation to the WSJ:
“It’s pretty appalling watching 150 years of English football history signing up an Americanized, franchised model.”
When you follow the money, it always leads you back to some White Guy in America who ruins it for the rest of us.
So, where does the Super League stand now?
Well, it’s not happening. Obviously.
Chelsea and Manchester City were the first teams to pull out. This “Technical and Performance Advisor” got in the middle of the protest to…"help”. Idk.
The Manchester United Chairman has resigned. Juventus—not to be mistaken with the filler king JuveDerm—announced that their chairman has resigned, too.
Arsenal defender Rob Holding did…well…this.
And then basically everyone else said, “Just kidding. This was a joke. Haha. Lol.”
With the Super League “suspended” after an emergency meeting, it’s safe to assume that it won’t be having its Avengers: Endgame moment any time soon.
Even if it does, they’ll have to call on the LA Galaxy to join the Super League. I! Would! Sign! Up! For! That! Nonsense!
I love fights over money and TV rights this is so dumb goodbye.
Zillow Listing Of The Week
Speaking of Ronaldo, let’s take a look at this €1.4 million “holiday home” that is allegedly next door to Conor McGregor.
Y I K E S.
Other Pointless Gossip
After a murderer was held accountable for murdering George Floyd, the Las Vegas Raiders tweeted this….
As of sending this email, the tweet is still up!!!! I—
Kim Kardashian might have “an athlete in the picture”. DeuxMoi: I want more!!!
Other Sports Stuff
A year ago we were making Jordan memes, because we had nothing to do while we wiped down our bags of chips and paid $49.99 for a box of Clorox wipes.
Speaking of soccer.
If the Bravo Cinematic Universe and ESPN had a baby, it would be Impersonal Foul. You in? Subscribe and tell your friends.