NBA Preview For People Who Watch Bravo
Basketball is back, baby!
If Bravo and ESPN had a baby, it would be Impersonal Foul. You in? Subscribe and tell your friends. It means the world!
In an offseason where the TMZ Sports headlines truly never stopped, the NBA is back.
From trade drama to players trash-talking their bosses, so much has happened off the court I can barely keep up!
To get everyone who shared the Jessel x RHONY x Rolling Stone profile with their group chat up immediately after it was published up to speed on what’s been going on in the NBA offseason ahead of the seasoner opener tonight, I thought we’d dig into some very pointless information.
Sound off in the comments with your favorite nonsense!
NBA Relationship Advice
Relationships have their ups and downs. This offseason, there were undoubtedly more downs than ups. Let’s discuss.
The Couple That Still Lives Together While They Are Consciously Uncoupling And One Spouse Invites Their New Partner To Move In
You know that one big relationship? The one where you share a house (that your parents paid the down payment on, because let’s be real, does anyone know anyone who owns a house in 2023 that someone’s parents didn’t fund at least part of the down payment), a kid or two, and at least one doodle of some form.
You had a successful run, but the relationship has run its course.
In the middle of your $400/hour couple’s therapy session, your partner decides to move their *new* (and younger) partner into the home you share with that doodle and that kid. Not ideal.
That’s essentially what the Golden State Warriors attempted to do over the last few years. They enacted a two-timeline plan, where they basically started drafting younger players to help their core stars (Steph Curry, Draymond Green, etc.) continue winning.
That way, the Warriors would be set up for success when those core stars wanted to retire.
As you can imagine, the Steph Currys of the world don’t really want to spend their time mentoring younger players who will take their jobs in the future.
In a shock to no one, it didn’t go as planned. Last season, Draymond Green punched Jordan Poole in the face. Oops!
During the offseason, they abandoned the plan when the Warriors traded Poole, who was supposed to be the star (aka the younger boyfriend) of this new Warriors era. Poole was sent to NBA Siberia: The Washington Wizards.
The irony? They replaced Poole with NBA veteran, Chris Paul, which is like when you move your parents into your home, and now *they* get the younger boyfriend’s bedroom.
Karma really is my boyfriend!
Idk Maybe It’s Not A Good Idea To Trash Talk Your Boss In A Public Setting
James Harden: The Picasso of sabotage. The Rembrandt of quitting.
Harden has temper tantrum’d his way out of two NBA teams and is currently painting his petty masterpiece with a third: The Philadelphia 76ers.
During the offseason, Harden had a fallout with 76ers' President of Basketball Operations, Daryl Morey, after Harden claimed that the team reneged on his promise to sign Harden to a lucrative multi-year deal.
Harden publicly called Morey out in two of the most Harden ways possible: At a required endorsement event and a nightclub.
While in China for a media event with Adidas, Harden called Morey a liar in front of a bunch of kids.
Later, Harden did what he likes to do and went to a nightclub, where one of the bottle girls held up a sign that said, “DARYL MOREY IS A LIAR.”
Just last week, Harden refused to attend practice and a pre-season game without an explanation. Not! Looking! Great!
This is Harden’s “I wanna forgive you, and I wanna forget you” moment. and I know he’ll use the spotlight to say some other nonsense very soon.
That One Friend Who Hates Confrontation So They Post Passive Aggressive Instagram Stories To Get Their Point Across
Okay, maybe Giannis Antetokounmpo didn’t post Instagram Stories, per se. But he did give an interview to the newspaper of record to vent about his employer.
Some backstory: The Milwaukee Bucks won the 2021 NBA championship, and basically everyone thought that would be the beginning of a title run for the Antetokounmpo-led Bucks.
Reader: That was not the case.
The Bucks haven’t made it to the finals since and flamed out in the first round of the playoffs last season. On top of that, top stars don’t want to live in Milwaukee.
I’m sorry to anyone from Milwaukee, but a 28-year-old wants to go to a bigger market like Los Angeles or Miami, where they can be spotted on Deuxmoi.
That’s basically what led Antetokounmpo to call up the New York Times back in August and say a bunch of stuff that was maybe or maybe not directed toward the Bucks.
My personal favorite is, “I don’t want to be 20 years on the same team and don’t win another championship.”
Feels like he’s soft-launching his exit from the Bucks to me…
*However* the Bucks did land Damian Lillard in the trade heard round the world. Was this to appease Antetokounmpo?
Only! Time! Will! Tell!
NBA Celebrity Couples That Aren’t Couples But Honestly I Could See It
I feel like I’m onto something here…Maybe…
Grimes and Kyrie Irving
I feel like Mavericks star, Kyrie Irving, and Elon Musk have a lot in common.
They both have a vague combination of vein and pointless contrarianism, with a sizable helping of conspiracy theory lumped in there.
Plus: They both literally moved to Texas to maybe or maybe not pay less in taxes.
While Irving isn’t single, I feel like there’s something here with Grimes if he ever gets divorced…
Victor Wembanyama and Kourtney Kardashian
I know Kourtney just married Travis Barker, but tell me how insane it would be to see someone who is 7 feet, 3-1/2 inches date someone who is 5 feet.
Maybe this is some sort of internalized “I was a tall girl in high school who didn’t get a lot of attention from tall guys” kind of thing I’m working through, but tell me that would not make for some incredible content on the upcoming season of The Kardashians.
Also, that photo choice was intentional for the height difference.
Gradey Dick and Maude Apatow
A Gen Z match made in heaven! Tell me you cannot picture Gradey Dick picking Maude Apatow up in LA to take her to dinner at a restaurant in Santa Monica with an 8.3 rating on The Infatuation and owned by an Australian couple.
Based on my Googling, Apatow may have a boyfriend (idk it’s unclear), but I could see these two matching on Raya for some chaotic reason.
What’s Going On With Taylor Swift And That Football Player: A New Series
Taylor Swift attended another Kansas City Chiefs home game to watch her boyfriend, Travis Kelce, play sports!
I’m sorry, but these two will be engaged in 18 months, mark my words.
Allegedly, they ate turkey omelets and chicken tacos before the game, which feels oddly specific and not true but whatever.
Kelce also recently purchased another (and more private) home in Kansas City for $6 million.
I! Wonder! Why!
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Kyrie x Grimes baby name? wild possibilities.
“the Picasso of sabotage” is perfect. he’s turned it into an art form!