My Pitch To Make The NBA All-Star Weekend More Interesting

Let's spice things up!

Feb 16, 2024

If Bravo and ESPN had a baby, it would be Impersonal Foul. You in? Subscribe and tell your friends. It means the world!

I’m gonna say something that might upset Adam Silver: The NBA All-Star weekend…sucks. I’m sorry!

In the Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant eras, it really was a big deal to make the team and win the All-Star game. They played for real!

Today, these men treat the All-Star game like a required company retreat held at a converted summer camp that was recently purchased by the Ace Hotel.

Do the players still technically “play” basketball? Yes.

Do they also walk up and down the court, don’t really defend, and don’t risk getting injured while Fergie sings the national anthem and the star of an upcoming Netflix rom-com sits courtside? Also yes.

I have a few pitches for the National Basketball Association that may make things…at least a little bit more interesting.

Sound off in the comments with your suggestions. Enjoy!

5 Ways To Make All-Star Weekend More Interesting

Just Play Dodgeball

Just change the sport. No one needs to see these stars just chat amongst themselves while they play basketball. This isn’t time for a catch-up!

Have them play an old-fashioned game of middle school dodgeball with the same players on the same teams (East vs. West).

You can’t tell me it would be incredible to watch Los Angeles Lakers star LeBron James hurl a red dodgeball at Milwaukee Bucks star Giannis Antetokounmpo’s head and then play it back in slo-mo during the broadcast.

And please: No one comment and suggest pickleball.

Involve The WAGs Please I’m Begging You

Imagine a two-on-two game between Steph and Ayesha Curry vs. LeBron and Savannah James! How fun!

A more chaotic choice would be WAGs vs. WAGs. I would pay so much money to watch the woman who kept tweeting about Zion Williamson go head-to-head against Williamson’s girlfriend.

Give us what the people want!

Skills Challenge But Not Actual Basketball Skills

The skills challenge is the ugly stepchild of the weekend’s events (Three-point contest, dunk contest, and the actual All-Star game).

It’s not fun television, no matter how much they try to make it interesting. I’m sorry, but it’s embarrassing watching these professional basketball players try to make a 20-foot bounce pass into a hole cut out of cardboard. It feels like something that a rich person would pay a B-list NBA player to do at their kid’s birthday party—not on national television.

Instead, what about a hot dog eating contest? Or make each team do a mini American Ninja Warrior-style course? Or a gingerbread house competition? Who can write a Notes App Apology statement the quickest?

The options are endless!

Live Therapy

If you remember, Draymond Green put Rudy Gobert in a chokehold in the middle of a game.

Let’s have them *work through it* by doing a live therapy session at the half-court line hosted by Oprah.

A trust fall exercise? Pointing to their feelings on a feeling chart? I want it all.

Nepo Baby

Have Dakota Johnson host a nepo baby-esque game of Horse between LeBron and Bronny James vs. Giannis and Thanasis Antetokounmpo.

Before you say it, yes, I know Giannis and Thanasis are siblings, but I feel like Thanasis and Bronny play at the same level so…..

ICYMI

I shared my thoughts with
Royce Webb
on the NBA’s 2024 rookie class—including why I think Wemby shouldn’t win Rookie of the Year…I said what I said! I’ll be cross-posting the full newsletter shortly, so be sure to check out alll of the incredible takes. 👀🏀
I also explained the thing I *am* looking forward to this All-Star weekend for Betches: The three-point contest between Steph Curry and Sabrina Ionescu. Now THIS is the content people want to see. Check it out here.

Happy All-Star weekend!