LeBron James Is Patti Stanger
LeBron James Is Patti Stanger
Millionaire Matchmaker meet...Millionaire Matchmaker
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Sprinkles Cupcakes. Wedge sneakers. The Los Angeles Lakers.
It was announced earlier this week that the Lakers have signed pretty much every NBA star who was really cool when people were losing their s*** over the Lost ending. Carmelo Anthony. Dwight Howard. Russell Westbrook. You name it. They’re probably a Laker.
Look: I’m not mad about this, but when did we start using Wedge Sneaker Energy to determine who is the starting lineup on a professional basketball team?
I have a theory that Jeanie Buss is working on a sponsorship deal with Sprinkles Cupcakes (where I once saw Avril Lavigne get papped) and wants to build up hype by bringing in players who played before Instagram existed.
My bigger (and more pointless) theory has to do with Patti Stanger and the truly iconic piece of television, The Millionaire Matchmaker.
Buckle up: This theory is pointless and filled with plot holes.
Some History
Launched in 2008, Millionaire Matchmaker took up way too much of my mom’s DVR space. Patti’s iconic long hair. Those weird headshots. And why was every date always on a boat?
Moving on.
Like everyone else on the planet who has spent the last year and a half of the Pantene Pro Demic filling their brains with old re-runs of the Hills and washing their vegetables, LeBron James was watching Millionaire Matchmaker.
At least I think he was.
After suffering through so many satin Express tops and pencil skirts, James had an idea: “Let’s go back to these simpler times,” he definitely said.
So, he decided to bring the mid 2000s to us in the NBA trades heard round the world. But James didn’t stop there. He wanted to become Ms. Stanger by transforming into a matchmaker himself.
This Is So Pointless But Stay With Me
During the NBA Finals, Adele was spotted with a man named Rich Paul.
Paul isn’t any random Raya swipe. He’s James’ agent.
According to “sources”, they’ve been dating for a few months. I! Love! A! Source!
Paul was previously linked to Tobey Maguire’s ex—and member of the GP/Hudson/Sawyer/Foster friend group—Jennifer Meyer.
You know which friend group I’m talking about. Let me refresh your memory:
I have so many follow up questions, but I’m about 100 percent positive—based on zero evidence—that James somehow played matchmaker with his agent and….Adele?
There’s absolutely no way that Adele and James agent hang out in the same circle, but I feel like James made a few calls to make this happen.
And in classic Ms. Stanger fashion, James pulled a trick from the matchmaker playbook: Triple date. You know, to keep things casual. No pressure!!!
Adele and Paul were papped at dinner in Los Angeles with…James, his wife, and new member of the Lakers, Russell Westbrook!!!
But James’ matchmaking doesn’t stop there. No, no.
And Then There’s Drake
I feel like if you saw Drake on an episode of Millionaire Matchmaker, you’d be like, “Yeah that makes sense.” He’s cheesy. Writes poems about you. And takes you on dates that are so absurd they are Made! For! TV! Moments!
A few weeks back, news broke that Drake is allegedly dating a woman named Johanna Leia.
…..Who?????
Exactly.
Well, let me tell you who! Her son, Amari Bailey, played high school basketball at The Sierra Canyon with…James’ son, Bronny. She’s appeared on Bringing Up Ballers, a reality show about parents raising kids who want to play in the NBA.
And she’s truly iconic on Instagram.
Now, you still might be thinking, “I’m sorry, but why is Drake dating some random kid’s mom from a high school basketball team?”
Here’s the thing: Attending a Sierra Canyon game is basically like attending an NBA game. James has brought Michael B. Jordan, Dwayne Wade, and Drake to watch these games.
I honestly feel like we’re not that far away from James Goldstein sitting court side.
What I’d really love to know is whether Drake met Leia at the game or during halftime at the concessions stand. Did James introduce them over a lukewarm hotdog? A bottle of Dasani that’s $1? A cold orange slice?
Whatever James’ magic matchmaking trick was, it worked.
Allegedly, Drake and Leia have been dating for months. He even rented out Dodger Stadium for a date.
He’s probably met her son. And I feel like we’re only a few weeks away from him performing during the halftime show at a Sierra Canyon game to show that he’s invested in Leia’s family.
The real winner out of both of these matchmaking situations is James. He’s somehow successfully set up (whether intentional or not) two of his close friends, something I feel like very few of us can say we’ve done.
In my life, if I set a friend up on a date, they’ll maybe go out two more times. And then one of them will eventually ghost the other.
James is really out here getting his friends to agree to triple dates and renting out an entire baseball stadium.
Ms. Stanger would be so proud.
Zillow Listing Of The Week
Russell Westbook might have good taste in fashion, but he has Suburban taste in homes.
Last year, Westbook listed his $1.3 million home for sale in Oklahoma. And it seems like for good reason?….
Other Pointless Gossip
This deal was quite the Messi.
Dennis “I made a huge mistake” Schröder: May I have a word?
Maybe Dennis should get some advice from Luka.
Other Sports Stuff
This made me so happy!!!
Speaking of the “Olympics”…..
This is coming out and I’m so excited.
If the Bravo Cinematic Universe and ESPN had a baby, it would be Impersonal Foul. You in? Subscribe and tell your friends.