If the Bravo Cinematic Universe and ESPN had a baby, it would be Impersonal Foul. You in? Subscribe and tell your friends.
Oprah and Stedman. Goldie and Kurt. Mookie and Brianna.
After 15 years of dating, Los Angeles Dodgers right fielder Mookie Betts (and distant cousin of Meghan Markle) has finally put a ring on it.
Earlier this month, Betts proposed to his middle school (yes!!!) sweetheart, Brianna Hammonds, with a 7-carat diamond ring—and a fedora.
More on the fedora later.
Betts and Hammonds have been together so long that their seventh anniversary was Hammonds’ first Instagram post.
On their eighth anniversary, Betts created a collage that was very Of That Time.
As Betts said himself, I don’t think I have anything else to say on this 15-year “dating” situation.
The Proposal
Before getting down on one knee, Betts proposed with the poem of all poems…and a Ken Burns effect slideshow. I love all of it.
After announcing their engagement with that People Exclusive™, Betts elaborated about his MVP on Instagram:
“[Brianna] has been by my side since we were teenagers. Together we’ve grown mentally, physically, and spiritually. She is my best friend, mother of my child, my lover and my soon to be wife. Winning another World Series was great, but putting a ring on MY MVP is the REAL BLESSING! I am a blessed man.”
Unlike Los Angeles Clippers forward Paul George who seemed to have forgotten his fiancé’s ring size, Betts was so thoughtful that he even remembered to credit all of the people who made the engagement happen.
The! Capital! Letters!
Let’s Talk About The Fedoras
I’d like to address something up top: I know these might not technically be fedoras, but they have Big Fedora Energy. They just do.
Not only does Betts love fedoras, but he loves to pair them with an outfit akin to an extra in Casablanca who also happens to work at Nike.
Which is why it makes perfect sense that he proposed…in a fedora.
Based on the tags in his engagement Instagram, I am like 99 percent positive that he has a #spon con deal with We Are Brims??? A real moment of brand synergy.
We love to see it!
Did You Know He Loves Bowling?
Well, now you do.
According to my favorite website, Betts’ mother is an avid bowler and he learned how to bowl as a kid. He was such a good bowler that he was the 2010 Tennessee Boys Bowler of the Year. Whatever that means!
Betts has competed in the World Series of Bowling not once, but TWICE. He’s bowled three perfect games, including a perfect 300 game after winning a Gold Glove for the second time when he played for the Boston Red Sox.
None of this information matters, but now you know all of it.
It makes perfect sense why Betts—a World Series Champion, professional bowler, fedora-wearer, poster of Instagrams that look like your mom took the photo—proposed after dating for 15 years.
I can’t explain it, but all of the details add up to a genuinely nice guy who loved dating his girlfriend and finally decided to propose after…15 years.
Now that you know all of this pointless information, I’m leaving you with this.
Hats off to you, Betts.
Other Pointless Gossip
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are heading to the Super Bowl and Rob Gronkowski is the most excited.
The Nets Big Dairy-Free Milk Alternatives That You Can Get At Coffee Shops In Brooklyn While You Are Running Late For An L Train That Probably Won’t Show Up Anyways Three are going through it.
Zillow Listing Of The Week
New Orleans Saints quarterback, Drew Brees, listed his $2 million townhome in Hawaii for sale last year and it’s giving me Suburban House With A Fully Stocked Snack Pantry vibes.
Other Sports Stuff
Conor McGregor lost.
Excuse me, what?
Be sure to subscribe and catch me live-tweeting gossip during games on Twitter here and trying to get sponsored deals here.
If email is your thing, shoot me a note (or tips) to hello@impersonalfoul.com.