If Bravo and ESPN had a baby, it would be Impersonal Foul. Please consider becoming a paying subscriber for just $5/month.
For partnership inquiries or to just say hello, email madeline@impersonalfoul.com
Good morning, everyone. I spent my weekend consumed by sports content. Did everyone else?
On Saturday, I watched my alma mater, the University of Georgia, beat Western Kentucky by 50 points. On Sunday, I watched my favorite NFL team, the Buffalo Bills, narrowly beat the Houston Texans. Somewhere in between, I watched the men’s and women’s U.S. Open final matches.
Sports! Are! So! Back!
I have a very fun free newsletter for you today. Up first, I had an imaginary conversation with Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback and local man who won’t stop talking, Aaron Rodgers.
Then we get into a few of my favorite storylines across the World Wide World of Sports that involve newsletter main characters like Bill Belichick’s girlfriend, Jordon Hudson, and Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow.
Enjoy!
A Few Questions For Aaron Rodgers
Hey Aaron, I just have a few questions for you.
It should only take a few minutes of your time. No, no. Please don’t hang up. I just have a few things I’d like to clear up with you.
Yes, you’ll be able to get back to prepping for your next darkness retreat in no time. What? You’re not doing that again? Oh, it was a one-time thing. Okay, well I didn’t know that.
I promise it won’t be long. Really, I swear.
You say you don’t want people talking about your personal life, but you told the world that your ex, Danica Patrick, was once depressed and “…not fun to be around.”
I can also imagine that you weren’t that fun to be around in the 2018-2019 season for the Green Bay Packers when you led your team to a…6-9-1 finish that season. Were you fun to be around then?
I don’t think you were that fun to be around, considering your brother, Jordan, called you out for allegedly not reaching out to your family during the California wildfires in November of 2018.
Oh, you did try calling your mom? Well, did you leave a voicemail? Of course you didn’t leave a voicemail. Listen: I also don’t leave voicemails, so I do relate to you on that and only that. Yes, I know you donated, but did you call your mom?
Fine, fine. We don’t need to get into all that, but I’d still love to keep speaking with you.
You say you don’t want people talking about your personal life, but you also told us intimate details about your sex life with Patrick.
Was anyone asking for those details? They weren’t? Oh, hrmmm. Okay.
Sorry, Aaron, no, I am not finished yet. I just need a few more minutes of your time. There are still a couple of things I’d love to address.
You shared that after you proposed to (your now ex) Shailene Woodley, a few days later she asked to “…go f**** this guy” before you two got married.
No one asked for you to share this with us, so….again…why? Do you think this makes people take your side?
Oh, you do? Well, I hate to break it to you, Mr. Rodgers, but I fear it makes people take Woodley’s side.
I understand you disagree, but let’s just agree to disagree. Oh, you don’t do that? You are always right? Sure.
Sorry, just another question and I really promise I am almost done.
I’ve noticed a trend with how you speak about your exes. You mentioned Patrick was “depressed” and in that same interview you also say that in Woodley’s side of the story about the break up she claims you “…gave her crazy depression”.
Do you think the call is coming from inside the house?
Oh, you don’t understand that expression? Well, it basically means that you are the reason—
Why are you interrupting me? Oh, you do know what it means? No, sir, I am not trying to mansplain something to you.
Okay, well I’m just trying to clarify why it’s strange to me that you keep bringing up your exes and intimate details of your personal life that no one asked for while simultaneously going on The Pat McAfee Show, rambling on about how the “media” keeps talking about your personal life, among many other things.
Oh, only you are allowed to talk about your personal life? I hate to break it to you, but when you are a public figure and doing interviews on podcasts talking about your personal life ad nauseam…you do know that the press is going to cover it?
What? You didn’t know that?! Oh my gosh, well, I am so sorry to break that news to you.
Does that change how you feel about doing interviews moving forward or will you continue to do whatever you want?
No, it wasn’t meant to be a rhetorical question, but I can see how you viewed it that way.
I am not trying to be rude. I really am just trying to get to the bottom of this.
Do you have time for one final question? I really swear this is the last thing and then I will let you go.
How did you and your wife Brittani meet?
Hello?….
Aaron???….
Mr. Rodgers…
Are you still there?
Off The Field (And In Your Inbox)
My step-cousin just got his first game ball: Did you know I am a stepo-baby? I made up this term and no one asked for it, nor do I have any perks because of this affiliation. My step-cousin Joe Brady got his first game ball after leading the Buffalo Bills to victory. (via X)
Jen Shah is back on the sidelines: After being released from prison, the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City star was on the sidelines cheering on The University of Utah’s football team. For those who don’t recall, Shah’s husband Sharrieff "Coach" Shah is the team’s associate head coach, cornerbacks coach and special teams coordinator. (via TikTok)
Speaking of the sidelines, Jordon Hudson is also back: …and on the sidelines at the University of North Carolina’s first football home opener against East Tennessee State University. UNC won, which they probably could use the good PR considering the mess they are dealing with off-the-field. (via The New York Post)
Joe Burrow wore wide-leg trousers: To the Cincinnati Bengals season opener, which they won! According to Burrow’s stylist, Kyle Smith, they are custom Alo. (via Instagram)
The Dallas Cowboys head coach Brian Schottenheimer needs a spon con deal with BIC: I have never seen a head coach with this many writing utensils tucked behind his ear. Was he also the type of kid who loved going to Staples ahead of the school year to stock up on school supplies for his pencil case? I also want to know whether he is a .5 or .7 kind of guy. I feel like he’s a .7, but that’s just my personal opinion on the matter. (via X)
Don’t propose at a Yankees game on the jumbotron if you don’t have the ring yet: No, really. Don’t do that. (via X)
Los Angeles Clippers owner Steve Ballmer has “sincere regrets” over the handling of the Kawhi scandal: Well, yeah. Would also love to know the thought behind this graphic design of this statement. Why they didn’t move “associated” to the next line is beyond me. Ballmer also tweeted the statement, which I feel like lands a little better. Wild for this to drop on a Sunday night. (via X)
Hell yes: The U.S. women’s basketball team won the FIBA Women's World Cup final. LFG. (via ESPN)
Daejon Love was arrested in 49ers gear: You have to hand it to him for committing to the bit. Love was caught on camera being arrested outside Boise Airport in a white Corvette. As a reminder, I interviewed one of his alleged victims a few weeks ago. (via TMZ)
A New York Knicks star is making their SNL hosting debut: Jalen Brunson will host the Saturday Night Live season opener on September 26th. If anyone who works at NBC is reading this and has a ticket plug for the show, please email me. I will trade you some very good sports gossip in return. (via The New York Times)
Final U.S. Open Check-In
Well, that man won: And leaving you with this response from my friend Hunter Harris, which perfectly sums up how I feel about it. (via X)
It looks like a U.S. Open social media manager is a fan of Pop Crave: At least based on this tweet’s wording… (via X)
Aryna Sabalenka lost in the final: And smashed at least one racket afterward. (via Yahoo)
There were a lot of celebrities at both final matches: Like, a lot. (via Page Six)
If Bravo and ESPN had a baby, it would be Impersonal Foul. Please consider becoming a paying subscriber for just $5/month.
For partnership inquiries or to just say hello, email madeline@impersonalfoul.com.
Love the seriousness and equal unseriousness of this newsletter. Required Monday morning reading imo!!! 👏🏾👏🏾
never not thinking about his ai chatbot wife