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Good afternoon. Now that I have your attention, I have some news to share.
It finally happened. Trump got fired. James Harden has consciously uncoupled with the Houston Rockets. And he’s taking his talents to the Brooklyn Nets in a four-team megadeal.
As you know from the Christmas Day special edition of Impersonal Foul, Harden was doing the most to leave Houston.
Whatever the last (paper) straw was, Harden’s dreams of becoming another man in Brooklyn—living in an apartment with a mattress on the floor, a stack of old New Yorkers as a side table, and a bunch of girls left on read—have come true.
The Big Three
In 2017, I attended a rocket launch with NASA and a bunch of other Media Twitter people. Don’t ask why. It was free and cool, okay?
Before the trip, they sent a group email and I did some stalking to see who else was on the list. My friend Sara was coming (hi Sara!), some influencer who was famous on Vine, and then my heart stopped. Chris Bosh.
Obviously, I was very excited because Bosh is a Very Famous Basketball Player. He’s a retired five-time All-Star. He won a gold medal at the 2008 Summer Olympics. And he was also a member of the Miami Heat’s Big Three.
Let’s dive into what that means.
Wait—who are these two other guys? The guy in the middle is Gabrielle Union’s husband. And that guy on the left was Bill Hader’s best friend in Trainwreck.
Occasionally called The Heatles (truly cannot make this stuff up), LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Bosh were the Big Three of the Miami Heat from 2010-2014.
In a now-iconic television event, The Decision, James shares with the world that He! Is! Taking! His! Talents! To! South! Beach!
The Cleveland Cavaliers and basically the entire city of Cleveland, Ohio were pissed. So much so that the Cavaliers owner wrote a petty letter about it. This is my favorite excerpt:
As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.
This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.
After announcing his Decision, LeBron joined his new teammates in the most insane ceremony of Male Athletes that I’ve ever seen.
But, you know what? That confidence paid off and they went on to win back-to-back championships in 2012 and 2013. This Big Three became a model that other teams wanted to copy. Including the Nets.
Brooklyn’s Big Three
I’m calling this trio the Dairy-Free Milk Alternatives That You Can Get At Coffee Shops In Brooklyn While You Are Running Late For An L Train That Probably Won’t Show Up Anyways.
They’re the highest paid trio in NBA history and they’re already dealing with some drama. It’s literally been like five minutes.
Hard(en)ly The First Time You’ve Heard About This Guy
Oh, James Harden. As he said, what can I write?
While his old Houston Rockets teammates allegedly don’t care that he’s leaving, I think this statement from Harden’s old Rockets teammate DeMarcus Cousins says otherwise.
While we will never know how the rest of Harden’s teammates really feel, we know how Harden feels about the city of Houston.
Literally Who Is Kevin Durant?
Kevin Durant is apparently a Very Nice Guy. He’s won two championships, is the recipient of two finals MVP Awards, and won two Olympic gold medals.
Besides playing basketball, he was a photographer at Super Bowl 50. Yes, really.
He likes to leave petty comments on Instagram for “average fans.”
And his life story was featured in a Lifetime Original Movie about his mother called The Real MVP: The Wanda Pratt Story. Grab some tissues, because Wanda truly is the real MVP.
Where Is Kyrie Irving?
“That flat-earth guy?” Yeah, that’s the one.
Brooklyn Nets point guard Kyrie Irving rounds out the Big Three. Like Harden, he loves to get fined $50,000 after attending indoor parties and breaking COVID protocol. He joins Zoom events for liberal DA candidates and has his Zoom face turned into a mug.
He also has an underwear collab with some company that I’ve never heard of. The underwear is…telling.
After missing seven games—five for personal reasons and two while conditioning—he’s back.
“I let my actions and my game speak for itself like I planned on doing. Just needed a pause."
Sometimes you just need a pause. I! Feel! That!
So far, the Dairy-Free Milk Alternatives That You Can Get At Coffee Shops In Brooklyn While You Are Running Late For An L Train That Probably Won’t Show Up Anyways trio seems to be doing well.
Until another game is probably postponed. What a mess.
Other Pointless Gossip
Shaq is baq at it again with comments about everyone. His victim this time: Harden.
The Pope has broken Atlanta’s curse. FILA.
Zillow Listing Of The Week
The most important ginger besides me, Justin Turner, purchased a shockingly normal house a few years ago. It is so normal that I feel like I need to tell you about it.
Other Sports Stuff
Put this on my tombstone.
The Meme is going pro.
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