All-Star Special
A pointless guide to the starting lineups.
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TNT needs to have a chat with CBS, because the NBA All-Star game tonight airs at the same time as The Interview.
Oprah please handle this.
Today is the All-Star “weekend”, marking the halfway point in the season. This “weekend” isn’t much of a weekend, because of the patagoniademic.
Instead of spreading pointless activities like the 3-Point Contest and the Dunk Contest over a weekend, the NBA has decided to pack everything into like three hours.
I’m honestly confused why the NBA is even going forward with this after players like LeBron James spoke out against it, with you, know the world like it is:
“I have zero energy and zero excitement about an All-Star Game this year.”
Honestly, same.
As with any major money-maker, the show must go on. To help get you into the Who Are These Men Running Around And Dribbling spirit, I present to you: A Personal Life Guide To The Starting Lineups That No One Asked For.
Enjoy.
Team LeBron
LeBron James, Captain
Los Angeles Lakers “Plays Every Position” LeBron James is taking his talents to…this pointless game. He’s undefeated as an All-Star captain and once walked into a game carrying a glass of wine like the Real Housewife that he is.
Giannis Antetokounmpo
Milwaukee Bucks forward Giannis Antetokounmpo is very rich. Last year, he signed a record-breaking five-year supermax extension worth $228.2 million, the richest contract in NBA history.
His girlfriend Mariah Riddlesprigger gave birth to their son last year and I highly recommend a deep-dive on her Instagram, where Riddlesprigger writes very long captions about how much she loves Antetokounmpo. We love to see it.
Steph Curry
Husband of Ayesha Curry, Steph is a guard for the Golden State Warriors and released a very ugly shoe with Under Armour. That’s all you need to know.
Luka Dončić
Dallas Mavericks point guard Luka Dončić created a LinkedIn profile as a part of some marketing deal and endorsed himself for “basketball”.
Nikola Jokić
Joaquin Phoenix has some competition. Nicknamed “the Joker”, Denver Nuggets center and Very Tall Man Nikola Jokić, has the shortest personal life section of any All-Star this year.
The second sentence of it reads: “He married his longtime girlfriend Natalija Mačešić on 24 October 2020 in his hometown of Sombor. Jokić tested positive for the COVID-19 on 23 June 2020. He tested negative after two weeks in quarantine.”
Team Durant
Kevin Durant, Captain
While Brooklyn Nets forward Kevin Durant won’t actually be playing in the All-Star game due to a hamstring injury, he’s still the captain?
Famously a side-line photographer during Super Bowl 50, Durant also starred in the 2012 film Thunderstruck which has a 27% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Bradley Beal
Washington Wizards shooting guard Bradley Beal sold his 12,000 square-foot home in Virginia to the co-founder of some pizza chain called &pizza? Is this like California Pizza Kitchen of the D.C.-Area? Asking for a friend.
Joel Embiid
Philadelphia 76ers center-forward Joel Embiid loves Rihanna more than Leonardo DiCaprio does. Embiid has tried (and failed) to date Rihanna for years. Rihanna told him to “Come back when you're a All Star”. Or not.
Kyrie Irving
Brooklyn Nets point guard Kyrie Irving has a truly insane underwear line. He also allegedly loves to journal and play the baritone sax. Maybe Irving will be the halftime performance in 2022.
Kawhi Leonard
Los Angeles Clippers forward Kawhi Leonard’s screen time app is five minutes. Leonard does not use social media, but someone did make a fan account on Instagram and they have made it very clear that they are not Leonard.
Jayson Tatum
Boston Celtics forward Jayson Tatum is very excited to be playing in the All-Star game with his BFF Bradley Beal. The two both grew up in St. Louis, went to the same high school, and are connected…via pizza? Tatum, a spokesperson for Imo’s Pizza, donated 500 pizzas alongside Beal to local hospitals in the St. Louis area during the pandemic.
Now that you know all of this pointless information, sit back, relax, and watch three hours of commercials.
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