A Rocky Balboa Finish To The NBA Regular Season

Plus: An NBA play-in preview.

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The Minnesota Timberwolves had a puncher’s chance to make a playoff run until Rudy Gobert had the literal chance to punch his teammate, Kyle Anderson.

Sunday night was a level of chaos and mess that almost broke NBA Twitter. And as we all know, Twitter is already broken.

The evening kicked off strong after Los Angeles Clippers’ players, Mason Plumlee and Bones Hyland embarrassed themselves like they’re about to get into a drunk bar fight over who gets to order a drink first.

According to head coach, Ty Lue, Plumlee and Hyland “worked it out” after they beat the Phoenix Suns. Whatever “working it out” means.

You’d think that was enough NBA inter-team drama for the day, but There! Is! So! Much! More!

During the first half of the Timberwolves game against the New Orleans Pelicans, Jaden McDaniels punched a wall in the tunnel after he got his second foul during the first quarter. He immediately started clutching his hand and….

…Reader: He! Is! Out! For! The! Season!

There’s more…

Not long after McDaniels acted like a 12-year-old boy who lost his first YMCA basketball tournament on Saturday morning at 11am and his mom said she’d only take him to California Pizza Kitchen if they won, the Timberwolves found themselves in more drama when two players got in a fight on the bench.

Rudy “I put my hands where they shouldn’t be” Gobert threw a punch at his teammate Kyle Anderson after Anderson called Gobert a b****.

The fact that we don’t have a Real Housewives of the NBA—but instead of it being about the housewives it’s just about their embarrassing (and talented) husbands—is beyond me.

After the game, someone in Gobert’s camp thought it would be a good idea to just… tweet it out, rather than a good old Notes App Apology. I digress.

While Gobert has seemingly apologized to his teammate, he’s facing further (and more embarrassing consequences). The Timberwolves announced that Gobert is suspended for the play-in game versus the Los Angeles Lakers tonight…which is honestly comical at this point considering the Timberwolves gave up so much to get Gobert in the first place.

Once again, embarrassing!

Somewhere, Adam Silver is speed-dialing Tree Paine, but I think she’s pretty busy at the moment.

Literally What Is A Play-In Tournament

Speaking of Gobert, the NBA Board of Governors first approved the play-in tournament format for the 2019-20 season. We all know what that led to…The Bubble, baby!

The play-in tournament is like winning The Voice. While you’re watching it, it feels really important and you’re invested in who wins. But, deep down, you know the winner won’t make it very far and maybe will have one song go viral on TikTok at best.

This season, the tournament basically consists of the teams ranked 7th through 10th in each conference. Think of it sort of like a mini March Madness, but with worse ratings.

I! Said! What! I! Said!

I’ve created a handy flow chart for tonight and tomorrow night’s games that will 100 percent make your partner/boyfriend/husband angry. Feel free to have them contact me directly with any complaints!!!

Chick-Fil-A v. Pitbull

The Atlanta Hawks had a chaotic season behind-the-scenes, mostly stemming from stuff with Trae Young. It doesn’t matter what the stuff is, but they’ve been having problems. The Miami Heat’s season has been fairly mediocre, but playoff Jimmy Butler will probably get a triple-double while drinking a macchiato and win.

Amateur Rocky v Erewhon

Gobert has screwed the Timberwolves by throwing the worst punch I’ve ever seen in the last game of the regular season. McDaniels will also be out with that dumb fractured wrist, which gives the Lakers a huge advantage. If the Lakers can’t win without the Timberwolves’ star players….I’m writing a handwritten note to the front office, myself! Regardless, I’ll be stalking the court side seats for a possible Khloe Kardashian spotting, given Tristan Thompson is now a Laker. Baby let the games begin.

The Bear v Aritzia Puffers

This is sort of the “Who Cares” bowl of the play-in tournament. The Chicago Bulls are the 9th seed and the Toronto Raptors are the 10th seed, so like the likelihood that either of these teams will go far in the postseason is low. The Bulls are a good team of players who would be the second or third best players on a team with a star. The Lonzo Ball injury really screwed them and they can’t really shoot the ball. They’re fine. Idk. The Raptors are post-championship and still have some good players. They sort of remind me of when you go into And Other Stories and all of the clothes are cute, but you never buy anything.

Sophia Bush Getting Married In Oaklahoma v Mardi Gras Beads

Once again, this is another “Who Cares” bowl of the play-in tournament. The Oklahoma City Thunder have no depth, but they’re good. They just won’t go anywhere. Every single season around this time, all I can think about is how not that long ago, they had Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, and James Haden and didn’t win a championship. That’s all you need to know. The New Orleans Pelicans are the play-in kings. Last year, they won two play-in games to make it into the playoffs, so they have some experience. The Pelicans story of whose not playing is always way more interesting than who is playing. Their star, Zion Williamson, has only played 114 games in four years. I feel like I’ve played more basketball this year than Williamson. Not! Good!

Other Men Punching Each Other

A Real Madrid player allegedly punched a Villarreal player in the parking lot after a match. I just….

A linesman (basically an assistant ref) allegedly elbowed a Liverpool player at the end of the first half. Sounds like he was out of linesman.

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